Holiday Season Party-Eating Etiquette, Rules & Tips
From the King of Eating...
When attending a Christmas/Holiday Party, here are some tips and Special Rules to make your time more enjoyable and guarantee a return invitation next year...
1. Avoid carrot sticks and celery!Anyone who puts these rabbit-food substances on a holiday buffet
table is clueless of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
balls and pork ribs.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly! Like fine
single-malt scotch or a great bottle-fermented trippel, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch or trippel! You can't find it any other time of year except now.
So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip and contains 55 undeveloped chicken embyoes? Hell, it's vapors are fattening! It's
not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something.
It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than
you think. It's Christmas! Tax Season is right around the corner!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. If there are no mashed taters, smother your cheesecake in it!
4. Speaking of mashed potatoes? Always ask if they're made with skim milk, whole milk or heavy artery-clogging cream. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a
sports car with an automatic transmission or going to a Martini Bar and asking for a light beer... Just sick! If it's whole milk, it's socially acceptable and you really don't want to seem like an ungrateful guest, do you? However, if made with heavy cream, just eat it out of the bowl and offer to be adopted! These people are the real thing! Move in right away! Before they know what hit them!
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party ...in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is
to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that gallon-vat of
7. Mark your territory! If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like venison ribs,
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa or any form of home-made chocolate chip anything, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like beautiful XXXL Eeyore or Grumpy sweatshirts at the Disney store. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
By the way, for you PC idiots, yes, Reindeer IS VENISON! 'Tis the season, ya know! Just like SPAM is made from people! It's made from PEOPLE, for Christ's sake!
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one
dessert? President's Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, c'mom,
have some standards, Man!
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible and experiencing pre-puke feelings when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways, cigar in mouth, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other,
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO! What
-Daryl's Evil Twin, Daryl